Tag Archive | physics

The big bang theory

Nothing at all to with TV shows of the same name or indeed astrophysics, fascinating though it is. I need to make a big bang (on paper) and know nothing of the theory.

For some time I’ve had an idea for a story largely inspired by my Granddad. I wrote a quick thought down when it first came to me, intending to come back to it when other projects were complete. It’s one of those ideas though that won’t be quiet and since late yesterday has been taking shape.

Initially I’m writing it as a short story but can see that I’ll come back to it and take it much further. It has the scope to cross decades and continents and it would be a shame to leave it at just a handful of pages. There is one small problem possibly leading to a far bigger problem if I don’t watch what I say and where. I need my main character to blow up a building.

Not so easy for one man who, although he possesses the know how, is travelling from England to Antwerp in 1953. I assume he knows how to make a bomb because I don’t. Perhaps foolishly, I typed it into Google before I even thought about what such Internet activity might trigger. My sane and rational side says at the most my other searches might be looked at by some poor sod somewhere. My highly imaginative side envisages black helicopters, snipers at the neighbour’s attic windows and masked men abseiling down the chimney to arrest me at gunpoint. Please let it be coincidence that my Internet connection slowed right down after the fact. Please let it be that the entire North East only just logged on after the sun went down and volume of traffic is to blame.

What kind of world do we live in now where I find these things occurring to me whether by dint of imagination or not? I mean when my Facebook account browses my cookies and tries to sell me more of the things I already bought (surely self-defeating, Facebook if you think about it), should I not be slightly paranoid that everything I do is scrutinised if not by the authorities by marketeers? Will someone now try to sell me a bomb making kit via social media? I wouldn’t be surprised!

I’ve enlisted the help of a friend who knows about these things (in a licensed and responsible way) because I really am that irrationally concerned about who might get their hands on my search data and although it would all be a terrible misunderstanding, what would happen in the meantime? While it might in itself provide a plot of topical interest, I don’t especially want to be the main protagonist! And if they took a search to be indicative, what of the writing? Would they dig up my yard in case I really did kill Phil? Would they make sure my gas meter had never gone missing?

As far as I’m aware my Granddad, God rest him, never (intentionally) blew anything up. That is not how he came to inspire this story. It touches upon certain aspects of his life and I think he would really like where I’m taking it. That is if he were watching me as well. I wouldn’t be so nervy about that though!

Call me crazy, call me paranoid. My big bang theory is sometimes they really are watching you and there’s no telling what you might spark in the most innocent of circumstances these days. Now I’m about to make a phone call and if there’s a crackle on the line, I’m grabbing the cat and running!

The Higgs Bosun and the ICTh

A few days ago I mentioned in a post that my dog had a lisp and that I clearly heard her speaking voice if she could talk.  What I didn’t go into were the many amazing things she told me with that voice.  (As you read this revelation, you must try to imagine the complete and unequivocal sincerity on my face.)

One of her gems of knowledge and wisdom was the revelation of the Interdimensional Cupboard of Thtuff.  Some privileged dog owners and all dogs know about the ICTh.  Only dogs are able to perceive and access it though.

The ICTh is the place where dogs find apparently random things to chew.  Most dog people will have looked up at some point to see the dog chewing on something that has not been seen for years, be it a legitimately chewable item or a shoe you thought was lost.  The explanation is quite simple.  These things were either accidentally or, in the case of especially mischievous dogs, deliberately left in the ICTh.

Now announcements are soon to be made about developments in the search for the Higgs Bosun and only because of that pending information can I reveal to you that the Large Hadron Collider is in truth an attempt to recreate the ICTh.  What worries me is that if they are completely successful with this replica, the world may become suddenly buried in lost shoes, old tennis balls and sponges that went missing mysteriously from the bathroom one day while you were out.  Hopefully the sheer cost of such experiments will mean the noble dog retains its guardianship of the ICTh and its further secrets.

Ask yourself, now that you know this, why Bosun might be such a popular name amongst dogs.  Moreover ask your dog about the ICTh and watch his/her face.  Try if you can to hear what their voice if they could talk is saying.  If you don’t have a dog or never tried to hear your dogs voice if he/she could talk, think of the mind-blowing revelations you’re missing out on.  I’m most honoured to have been trusted to impart this knowledge at the appropriate time.

Dogs know.  Treat them always with the respect they deserve.

(That last sentence is the only one to which you need pay attention.)